is a question I have been taught to associate with my love for cake/dessert/junk food.
I have tried to unlearn these thoughts, tried to listen to my body — and most days I even pretend to know what it wants.
Hate though is too strong a word, too strong an emotion — too much emotion. Am I eating my feelings or do I really just crave cake a lot?
A previous therapist in another life asked me to stop calling it junk — you are putting it in your body, stop calling it junk — sounds simple no?
Yesterday I ate 2 deserts after lunch and I did not feel bad — the waves of hate came after — long after the lava cake and choc-filled doughnut had been digested. I asked myself what I had done to deserve the treat; was it enough to simply have a craving for sugar?
Tomorrow will be different is a promise I make and break every single day and therein lies the hate.
My faith-fuelled sibling tells me that we are pre-programmed to sin — but I think we are pre-programmed to doubt. Our thinking, feeling minds a trap — THIS is Dante’s inferno — this circular, self-inflicted hell where we are constantly letting ourselves down.
I don’t know that I am done with this question — it has followed me around for most of my adult life — it is no longer just a cake question — it can also be applied to eating ‘healthy’ whatever that means, to eating too often, to eating big or small portions..
It is the question that has no answer and no end.
So maybe it’s time to ask another question — how can I love myself today?
Cheesy but true — tried but not tested enough.
May there always be cake. Good luck to me and to you.
